Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Day Twenty One : The constant 100% God and Me at 48%, 72%, 21%

As I've committed to persue Jesus, I've found it increasingly difficult. I can think of many excuses for my lack of writing about the last 7 days. Not enough time, I've been away at conferences, weddings, the internet was out 4 days since last friday because the line was cut by a fallen tree, I haven't felt like it, I was guilty because I didn't actually read my 1 hour and pray my 30 minutes. But to be honest the problem has trulybeen both external and internal, today as I went for a walk I said to God "Jesus hold me tight through this time". The problem is I don't feel like I can be truly honest about the thoughts which have come into my brian recently. What would people think if they read this blog? Thoughts about questioning, and doubt, thoughts about a desire to sin. I think the more I wreslte in my heart with these feelings, doubts, thoughts (which are not typical of me) I choose to blame the evil one. He decieves, is it possible then that Satan actually causes me to question God, has he caused me to desire to sin? When Jesus is in the desert, Satan tried to destroy him, is Satan trying to destroy me? Of course. But did Jesus ever question that He was the Son of God, if he had then he would have sinned, no Jesus didn't doubt, he believed what God the Father said "You are my Son, with whom I am well pleased". Jesus didn't believe Satan's lies, yet sometimes I do.

Some of the blame can go to Satan for his deception, but some must go to my own failing, my own inability to trust God, my own wrechedness. For as I persue holiness and righteousness Satan tries to disrupt this, the sad thing this sometimes I let him. I haven't persued God harder, I've disobeyed after hearing from the Spirit truth, I've chosen to believe Satan's lies. I made the sinful decision. And this sin drives a wedge between me and God, forcing me away from my holy maker. YET IN THIS STATE I AM NOT CONTENT. In this struggle I feel lost, untill I remember to open my mouth, the Word, and plea for my rescuer is not far away. "I will never leave you nor forsake you". Satan tries hard to put me and keep me in a state of defeat, to keep me aware (guilt) and in my sin, I am useless to the Kingdom here. I'm too ashmed to go to God and admit that I failed, I didn't hold on to you, I buckled under the lies, I sinned, I'm confused, broken and desperate. But going to God is the only way out, saying to him "I need you to drive Satan away, I need you to overpower my sinful thoughts and desires, I need your blood to cleanse me, to wash me, to fix me, to embrace me with purpose and strength. I need you, I need you to persue me harder, God help".

I am freed captive, yet at times I become captive again, losing sight of perspective, of my enternal freedom, sins wraps itself around me like a wild vine.

But thank Jesus. The New Testament was written. Because reading only the OT tends to get you in this legalistic thinking, guilt riddled, and overcome without hope. The NT speaks into our failures, turning the focus off us and onto God. At least from my perspective sometimes the Old Testament forgets to emphasize grace, and without grace I'm shot, I'm toast, I'm overcome.

Today as I was praying God gave me this incredible verse I Corinthians 1:8 "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord is faithful".

I'm able to rest with joy knowing Jesus will keep me strong. I won't keep me strong. Jesus will not give up on me, He will not stop working on making me blamesless, holy. Thankyou Jesus for never failing, so that in my failure I have a hope.

What I've learned.. Holiness is a process, to be just a bit holy today than yesterday is the goal, yet some days it might not work out that way. It's okay because Jesus will one day make me as holy as possible, I will be free from this thorn of the flesh.. from the sin, doubts, and failings. I won't be entangled any longer by guilt.

This got me thinking, people who believe they will be good enough when they die to get to heaven by their good and moral lives haven't much hope. If God is 100% holy and His holiness consumes anything/one that's 99% or less then you find me anyone who's actually able to stand in the presence of God at %100 without Jesus standing in front of them. Yes people can be good people who give to charity, and love their neighbours, and feed the poor and sick, and buy coffee's on Tim Horton's camp day while dropping their change into the plastic heart & stroke containers, yet 80% good isn't good enough. It's impossible to not at some point lie, covet, steal...

He's a 100% God.

Oh yah. Two books I've read over the last couple days which were really good, especially the first one. "A New Kind of Youth Ministry" and Contemplative Youth Ministry".

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